It’s The Knowledge Not The Fact

Walking back with Carol, chatting inconsequentially. Stopping for a farewell coffee. London traffic outside the window proceeding with customary combination of smoothness and vexation. The blast of steam in coffee machines percussing. Friends meeting, hugging, chatting. Everyday noise and activity asserting.

An unspoken understanding not to talk about our parkbench moment, or not yet. Touching like that, it happened, it was wonderful, it might or might not happen again, talk about it now and it becomes too big a deal, forces us into some sort of lover’s groove. Maybe some other time, but not now.

Leaning toward her, saying, there’s still that question about your husband and my wife, what they’d think if they saw us here, I’m not trying to duck it, in fact I think it’s crucial, if you want I’ll give you the long answer. Carol smiling, nodding, okay, go on.

It would probably do damage, if they knew. So that gives us a choice. We can tell them, and damage them, and unleash malign forces with power to wreck. Or we can not tell them, keep things separate, you and me a separate domain, nothing to do with them. Or of course we could decide to keep life simple, renounce one another.

Carol looking at me, interjecting, yes, and that would mean that we’d know that we’d been pure and true and we’d have that consolation for a life of soul-sapping blandness.

Yes, exactly, good word, bland, that's exactly it, so, Carol, just telling you how I’m dealing with it, not suggesting that it’s necessarily the right thing for you, my position is, I’m free to do whatever I like, just as long as I don’t do damage. And it’s the knowledge, not the fact, that does the damage.

So, as you ask, that’s where I’m at. Me, I don’t want my life to be in permanent marital lockstep. And I don’t want to play all change partners, either, you land up in the same place. And I don’t want a bachelor existence, I’ve tried.

So, that’s it, the long answer. Smiling at her. And where it leaves me is, if you ever want to have coffee with me, then that’s a great life-enhancing thing and I’m going to do it, and I’m going to avoid any incontinent leakage of the information to my wife.

Carol leaning forward, taking my hand in both hers, smiling, thanks R, it’s good you’ve arrived at something so clear, it’s more for me to think about, figure out whether what’s right for you is right for me.