Little Walled Garden of Paradise

Stepping out the front door, heading off to the station, a meeting in Westminster, plenty of time to catch the train. Buying a ticket, standing on the platform, absorbing into languid mid-morning rhythms. Catching myself smiling, seeing other people look at me warily, as at a lunatic.

Turning off the smiles as best I can. Looking at the other people, thinking to myself, I have something you don’t, a lover. A little sun-filled patch of heaven in my mind, walled off from the world. Visited only seldom in the flesh, thereby preserved from overexposure’s deathly clasp. From that small sunny patch, my whole world suffused with an inward glow.

Arriving at Westminster, checking in with security, fifteen minutes early. Reading the newspapers in the foyer. A secretary coming to collect me. The meeting starting. Brisk, steady progress, difficult issues addressed, decisions made. An hour later, all done.

Coming home, making coffee, my good mood still bubbling. Only a couple more days, then I see Carol. Yet even without seeing her, my life improved, more balanced somehow.

My wife happy too, I wonder if in some way I’m putting less pressure on her, somehow making her feel less worried about sexlessness. You can imagine her in secret moments confessing, actually she’d prefer me to have a lover, have a burden lifted. Impossible to verify, she’d probably add the proviso, just as long as I don’t have my face rammed into the details. Maybe she thinks it but doesn’t articulate it. Whatever.

I wonder what I’d feel if she did have a lover. Fine, I think. For all I know she does. Maybe that’s why she’s looking good. Well, look after it sweetheart, it’s precious.

Sipping coffee, black fresh and strong. Thinking about Carol. Yes, that’s what I’m aiming for, that she thinks of me in the same way, her little walled garden of sun-filled paradise. Not the main part of her life, not even a place she visits often, just somewhere she knows she can go, be with someone who wants to be with her, someone with no other agenda but to spend occasional time together.

Well, that’ll take skill, creating that space. Even more skill, keeping it uncluttered. But while I can, I will.