My heart lurching. The little things that make her so attractive snapping into focus, her earnest concentration, her vitality, the curve of her neck, her small flat ears and their slightly backward slope, her hair casually held in place with a band. Casting a spell on my whole body, pulse heavy, breathing shallow.
Caught. How do I get out of this? Trying to look abstracted, as if weighing up the stuff on the shelves. But feeling as if having been found out. Before, maybe a slight vibrancy between us. Now, all changed. Weird older man ogling, cringeworthy at best, maybe worse, a stalking risk perhaps.
The next time at the supermarket, seeing her. Wrenching my eyes away, terrified of being caught again. Our paths crossing. My eyes firmly askance, concentrating on the shelves. My heart feeling raw. A vestigial sense however of something passing fleetingly between us, as if she was expecting pleasantries. Or maybe that’s just in my mind.
Same thing next time. Hard work, ignoring that beautiful feminine presence. But doing so. That’s twice now I’ve avoided her. Penance served. If I see her again, I can be normal.
Midweek, needing some missing groceries, nipping into the supermarket. Not expecting to see her, she usually works weekends. Walking fast to the dairy section. My eyes scanning the shelves, suddenly crossing with hers mid-scan, only afterwards registering the scantest flash of something in her expression, what, greeting?, something, don't really know.
Too heavy-handed to do anything about it, just keep shopping. Yet her face during that moment burned into my consciousness, it seemed to be friendly, a smile seemed to be starting, it seemed as if she was about to wave, as to a friend unexpectedly encountered.
Last night, lying in bed, warmed by the thought. How wonderful. No longer the ogler, no longer the dirty old man, no longer the potential stalker, just a man. A man with whom maybe there’s this strange warm vibrancy.
